on being talentless
I'm not good at anything. Like realllly good. If i were to list off things I'm good at...I actually can't name anything.
I used to be the most flexible girl in school, but that was like 10 years ago.
I played viola and made it to be section leader, but i wasn't that good, i just practiced the most. nobody else did.
I played high school level tennis for 3 years, never made varsity and won only 2 games in my career.
Despite being a linguist, I'm not good at learning languages. I've studied Japanese and Chinese for years yet I can't hold a long conversation without needing to reference a dictionary.
I'm surrounded by craftsmen, artists, musicians and athletes.
My little sister is an award-winning artist recognized by the local art museum.
My other little sister is the president of the biggest club at her university, a good swimmer, and was a former member of the university orchestra.
Older sister is also an artist who is very good at cosplay and was also in the university orchestra.
My dad is a guitar player and web dev, my mom is a seamstress; she can make a beautiful dress in one week.
I am...nothing. I have no label. I'm not an artist, musician, leader, or craftsman. And i cannot code like my father.
I've dabbled in everyone's talents and can only become mediocre at best.
At 23, the "i dont fit in" mentality is supposed to be gone. But it's different when you're trying to fit into the one group of people you should fit into.
Back in the day, I'd call myself a writer. But judging by the scores I received on state mandated writing exams, I'm just...mediocre. I'm just someone who writes. There's millions like me, and I have no awards to show that it's some kind of talent. I used to submit my poetry to contests, never won anything.
When i try a new thing, I know it's stupid to expect to be good at it automatically. But there's nothing in me that says that I should keep practicing. Even when I do practice, i don't get better. i played the viola for 8 years and still wasn't good enough to compete at high levels. My older sister made it to the state competition and she played cello for the same length of time.
It's quite painful, being the talentless one.
Every part of my life is mediocre. I'm not particularly good at my job. I'm not good at keeping healthy. I'm not good at socializing; most of my friends are long distance and low maintenance. I'm not even good at talking. I speak too fast and I have a speech impediment.
I have a very "i dont care what others think about me" attitude about most parts of my life. But i care a ton about what I think about myself. I feel...average.
I'm not supposed to be average. Nobody else in my family is average so why am I?