destroying what my body doesn't want me to destroy

11 Apr, 2026

Wonky ass title.

I have an oral fixation, which is Freudian¹ for "I like to put things in my mouth." There are a few people who can't get over that stage of childhood development. I'm one of them. And I learned that this is NOT a "fun fact" you tell someone on dating apps.

I chew gum like my life depends on it. I have a binge eating problem (lol), but in most cases, I bite my thumb. It evolved from sucking my thumb, as children do.

I didn't stop sucking my thumb as i became an adolescent. So, I had braces as a result at age 13. Which did little, as it's been 10 years since and I moved my teeth back to where they were. But also, I've developed calluses.

I have three callus bumps on my left thumb. Just hardened skin. One of them is bigger and formed where my bottom teeth meet my thumb.

I hate it, so I try to cut it down using scissors or a crafting blade.

It's not as violent as it sounds. There's no bleeding, and it doesn't hurt. I'll be casually watching a movie while shaving it down using a nail file. People do this with the soles of their feet so i don't think its weird. But there's something poetic about destroying something that my body formed to protect me.

Athletes and musicians often develop calluses as a result of their hard work, and it protects them from pain.

However, I am not a musician (anymore) nor an athlete (anymore), so I don't like that I have them. And they are so stubborn and keep re-forming.

I wish I could just get a new thumb. But instead of smoking, biting my nails, eating, chewing loud gum, or something else a bit more destructive, I bite my thumb. If I'm outside of my home, like in my office, I pretend to bite my nails while actually biting the tip of my thumb. I learned that nail biting is more socially acceptable. I should just grow up and bite my nails like a distinguished adult.

It's usually triggered by anxiety. But also, when I'm focused, I will bite my thumb, like people who stick their tongue out when doing something hard in cartoons.

Now, one could argue that this is unhygienic or can cause me to get sick.

I'd say back that Yes, it is unhygienic, which is why it's my left hand, the one I barely use. And Yes, it can cause me to become ill. But I usually have alcohol wipes on me (if I'm not at home) and my immune system is strong. My tank of a body kills sicknesses within a weekend, so I'm healthy and ready to make my boss money on Monday at 8:30 a.m. (I work at a non-profit actually, so this doesn't really apply to me.)

The only person with a similar problem is my sister, who bites her nails. Everyone else managed to just get over the oral phase. Or maybe the people who eat a ton aren't foodies and are just Sigmund Freud's dream specimen.

If you met me, you would never know. I'm a sophisticated lady.

#thoughts