I've never made a mistake
Sometimes i judge people for backing out of huge life decisions they made. Like rejecting a perfect job offer or school acceptance just because of a gut feeling. Or because of anxiety.
Now i'm the one being judged. by myself.
I've had so many instances of "what if i just go home now?"
I mean, I'd save money, get a better job, be in a familiar environment, speak my own language. So many pros. Most importantly, the underlying anxiety that builds up every passing day would be gone.
After school i caught the bus, and when i tried to get off, my card wouldn't scan. The bus driver yelled something, no clue, so i just got off, irritated. My transport card does not scan easily for some reason, and I seem to be the only student with this issue.
I walked to a new cafe for lunch. On the way there, a man yelled at me in Chinese. I usually turn and respond to people addressing me on the street, out of habit, but i ignored him. He was an old man, not sure if his intentions were pure.
After the cafe, he was sitting elsewhere but still somehow on my path home again. He yelled the same thing. "小姐,你是黑人嗎?" I think he's asking if i was black...? This time i heard clearly. I ignored him again. This is the third time I've been accosted on my way home.
Everyday my neighbor yells about terrorists in his walls. I'm not mad at him, just worried.
My landlord ignored my mention of the couch smelling like piss so I have to buy a tarp.
I have to get a new phone number every month since the government needs proof of more the 6 months of stay to give long term esims. They only give me three months proof at a time.
I'm feeling a general illness in my body. It feels like I just recovered from being sick and bedridden for a week. I have energy but my body is stiff and dehydrated. I don't think it's the pollution, I think it's the food and the heat. My skin is breaking out like crazy since I'm sweating all day.
The only saving grace are my classmates at language school. I really enjoy class with them and the teacher. but when only 1/4th of my day is great every day, it makes me wonder if this is worth it...
I've made a friend, but they go to a different school 40 minutes in the mountains. And my classmates are either busy working, or don't go out at all.
I went to a bar alone to drink and maybe socialize, but EVERYONE was an older man whom definitely have nothing in common with me judging by their conversation. I also got hit on very intensely by a 41 year old Polynesian guy who didn't understand the concept of me not being interested in him. He was hot objectively, but my type is not "objectively hot". Also he kept saying how pretty i was, my face, my body, my unkempt hair. That's how i know for sure he was fucking with me.
I don't want to acknowledge that I possibly made a mistake coming here, or that i possibly made a mistake going home early (if i go home). I've done difficult things before, I don't know why this case feels so different. My quality of life in Korea was technically worse, but I liked it. Granted I was on SSRIs...was it a mistake to get off them before coming here?