okay maybe i don't know how to socialize
Only recently have I been branding myself as an extrovert. Or more specifically, an "American Introvert", which apparently is still extroverted on the global scale.
I don't like putting people in boxes; "the introvert", "the extrovert", and "the ambivert". Most people are ambiverts but lean one way or the other. However, I was very much a capital I Introvert in grade school. I never spoke unless spoken to, even at lunch. Even with my friends. I just listened. In groups I froze and couldn't join in the conversation.
I thought I got over that in college. I was going out on dates, to social club events, and clubbing occasionally. I struck up conversations easily.
Now post-grad...something is broken.
I'm now in environments with people 10-20 years my senior. I'm not surrounded by likeminded peers who are relatable and easy to talk to anymore.
I went to Chicago to visit a friend last weekend, and she invited me to a social meet-up event at a pub. I was excited, its been a while since I went to a non-work social event. I was a little nervous. City people, they're nice sometimes, but their lives are so much fuller than mine.
When we arrived, I got a free shot, then a drink, and was essentially following my friend around. Suddenly, I felt like i was in high school. I couldn't walk up to people and talk. "What if they did want to talk to me?" It was mostly filled with white and asian young men; I stood out, and for once, I didn't like that.
I wanted to talk to one tall woman, not sure why... I think I liked her dress. She was talking with others so I just waited. It took me a while to realize I was staring at her. And I didn't have glasses on, I had contacts...Y'all my eyes are big. It probably looked like I was trying to disintegrate her with my mind. I gave up and walked to find my friend, who was talking to an older man she already knew.
My friend is a petite, pretty women. Her voice is loud, she can socialize easily, and people easily are attracted to her. The only reason we got an invite was because one of her former partners invited her. They still talk, which makes sense for her great personality.
Meanwhile I'm this six foot (probably taller because I wore platforms) tall lady with a drink held up near my mouth using both hands, staying by my friend like she has a leash on me. I was drinking the tequila soda like water, trying to activate the Extrovert I claimed to be.
After listening in on my friends conversation for a bit, I started looking around. I walked up to this one man who exchanged smiles with me and introduced myself.
"What do you do?" He said.
"Oh, I'm not employed right now..."
Oooh I bet he was charmed. 😀
The conversation was okay, but we had little in common. He was around 40 years old and "a businessman", whatever the hell that is.
He concluded our conversation, and I used my internal radar to re-locate my friend in the sea of bodies. She had another tequila soda in her hand. They're so gross but I asked her for some. I needed to keep my hands busy. Looking around some more, I saw a guy who looked very nervous. I wanted to talk to him but at that very moment, he started talking with two guys who just introduced themselves, so I abandoned that idea. "Do I look that nervous."
I hit my limit. I was tipsy and even more nervous and felt like I was in high school again. Luckily, we left shortly after I finished that cocktail. And we escaped to a rooftop bar. One of her older man friends joined us after and paid for our food. It was a smaller group of just us 3, but I still struggled to speak because they were reminiscing on things they did together.
We ended the night at a dive bar with that same friend. He paid for our drinks and talked with my friend about various things that only Chicagoans would know about. I felt like a foreigner, I couldn't converse.
Side note: I have this problem where when I wear contacts, I forget to blink. I'm so used to glasses creating a wind shield that I naturally don't blink very often.
So here I am, drunk as hell, listening to their conversation and absentmindedly staring into the man's soul. So much so that he commented on it; I'm not sure if it was flirting or a genuine compliment. I just laughed. I didn't know how to react.
This night made me rethink everything. Am I actually bad at socializing? Why do I consider myself an extrovert if I felt weird at a social event? Why didn't I talk more?
Maybe my peers are more introverted due to Covid, and I just didn't change and that's why I feel like an extrovert. Or maybe so many of my friends in life were autistic and introverted, so I was used to "playing extrovert" with them at events to make them feel comfortable and have fun. I loved doing that and I don't mind, but that may have deluded me. Maybe I put too many expectations on myself, and with that comes disappointment when those expectations aren't met. Am i just disappointed in myself? The whole "Gen Z doesn't know how to socialize" stereotype has gotten to me and made me insecure. I blame Facebook Millenials.
I don't know anymore. This is making me nervous. I've been thinking about all the social events I want to go to in Taiwan, but with a language/cultural barrier added to the mix, I'm worried I'll revert back into my shell. I hated when people said that I was so quiet in high school; I wasn't even trying to be. Did Covid fuck me over too? I mean, it affected half of my high school years and freshmen year of college, but I don't like to blame the lockdown for my poor social skills.
Yes, the labels are superficial. Again, most people are ambiverts. But shyness is a real scale and I thought I had moved over from "extremely shy" to "rarely shy". Why did I think that?
I'm trying to reflect on this, but all these questions feel rhetorical. There's no real answer.