the first half of may is over and I'm free
As of writing this, its 9:30am on May 15th. I'm waiting for a few students to come and pick up their stoles for graduation. They won't be attending the ceremony tonight. Good, things will get done faster.
It starts at 4:30pm. I did everything for it; catering, booking, RSVP, certificates, stoles, emails. The whole slideshow. This was my second time running this event. Last year, I came in about 4-5 weeks before the event, and had to rush everything. It was okay, but not up to my standards. I just need it to be over.
As this day has been approaching, I've gone downhill in terms of taking care of myself. I did shower this morning, but I did not shower 2/5 days this week. It's getting warm, I need to shower. My room is a mess, my car is a mess, and I've been eating way too much junk.
I haven't drank water for a while, and only realized when my calves started cramping up. I just keep forgetting. I've regressed down to my depression era behaviors because it's what is familiar and easy. I just go to work, eat at work, and go home and sleep.
Even with the good news from last week, I can't help but hyper focus on this stupid event. Event planning is a lot of work.
I noticed that, after running to the venue about 30 mins ago, My head is all sweaty, which is not usually noticeable, I'm black and my hair is dark. But my edges/hairline was a lighter tone than the rest of my big forehead. It's probably dead skin cells or dandruff that became moist and lightened because of the sweat. I haven't washed my hair in ages. I am neglecting myself.
I need to somehow, learn to deal with stress is a healthier way. I cannot be 30 or 40 with unwashed hair and unwashed ass in the workplace just because we have a big thing coming up.
As gross as it sounds, I have been brushing my teeth and washing my face and underarms, so I don't smell. Although I'm in my office alone, nobody will smell me.
I'll finish writing this after the event. We'll see if all this stress is worth it.
After the event: It wasn't as bad as i thought it was. There were a few errors but they were not my fault. It felt so trashy by my standards but the students and parents thanked me, so I guess that's a good thing? This kind of job is supposed to feel rewarding, but I don't feel any joy in my job. Yes I help people graduate...technically...but I feel more envious of the students. i want to go back to school for a master's but I cannot afford it. Of course I'm proud of them too, but that doesn't mean I can't be jealous. Anyway, I don't want to think about it too much. I'm done. The semester is over and I can work hybrid and focus on getting this visa shit sorted out.