I'm not confident, I just don't care
During my sophomore year of college, my mindset [i hate that word] changed drastically. I'm not sure what the catalyst was. I stopped being embarrassed because I got tired of it.
Now, I'm not walking around the library in a string bikini because I'm "shameless" and "confident". However, when it comes to thinking about how others perceive me, I stopped giving energy to the thought.
I get stares all the damn time. I'm about 183 cm tall (6' in freedom units). I live in Bumfuck, Midwest State. We aren't in the Jim Crow era, but my skin catches eyes because I stand out.
This alone isn't a problem. But add to that the fact that I'm larger than an average woman in every aspect, people think if I show even the tiniest amount of skin, I'm a slut. ծ_Ô
So now imagine me walking into a place wearing bright pink and platform shoes. What's your first thought?
"Why the hell is she wearing those shoes?"
"What an attention wh-re."
"oh cool."
So many different ways of being perceived. They've become a normal part of being in public. I'm not complaining. I make comments about other people in my head all the time.
"But if that is the case, why on earth would you dress like a highlighter?", you might ask.
95% of the time, I do it because, man, I just want to!
That's all it takes. You can't please everyone, so please yourself ծ_Ô (notlikethat)
Why would I need validation from strangers? If they all say I should wear a burlap sack to cover my grotesque body, would I do it? Hell no.
I know I come off as a little eccentric.
You might just assume I'm like an ultra-egotistical confident baddie extrovert, but I'm not. I'm definitely not confident. I just don't get that fear of non-conformity anymore.
ESPECIALLY when it comes to my personality.
I can talk about this for days but I've been on at least three dates with people who described me as "interesting"...what does that mean? Well fuck if I know.
Allegedly, (according to my sisters) I tend to just say whatever is at the top of my mind, possibly leading my date to be off-put because I'm not performing. I only ever close of my personality at work, where i get paid. I can't be nonchalant, it goes against my nature. Even my blog is a bit obnoxious.
I think people are scared of being seen as 'ditsy' or 'losers' who are stupid. I know I'm not stupid - that's all I need.
You don't need to be nonchalant to be intellectual. But everyone seems to think so. just look at Reddit. A bunch of nonchalant pseudo-intellectual politicized Socratic slop regurgitated over and over again because they need to be seen as smart. They don't even know what the hell they're talking about.
Do they ever get tired of performing?
TC how the hell did you dress to get so many stares? I never notice anyone's clothing!"
Like this lady right here:
Do you see my problem? I dress bright, not slutty and vulgar.
Now she's skinny, so you don't even think twice.
I even have the shawl she's wearing, but it's holey ծ_Ô :
i was going to put a picture from google but I'm self sufficient. y2k is back
This isn't me being confident, it's just detached. maybe that's why I'm having trouble in my love life LMAO. 